Dog Endorses ????? for President!

The time has come. Iowa has caucused and New Hampshire is debating and the situation is so crazy and undecided that even California (in its Feb 5 primary) may finally have a say in who runs for president in 2008.

The race is as turbulent as Dog’s tummy after too much salami. Onetime frontrunners Guiliani and Clinton don’t look quite so invincible anymore. The special interest groups are circling the wagons around their favorite candidates: The Evangelicals are pushing Huckabee to the front of the pack; Feminists and Liberals and Friends of Bill are barking up Hillary’s tree; Mafiaos, serial adulterers, swarmy big businesses and crooked New York City civil servants have made Guiliani their Alpha Dog.

• (Dog apologizes and wants you to know that that last bit was totally my own. In fact, he absolves all responsibility for what is obviously my interpretation of his positions, and will not be held legally or morally culpable for anything that follows.)

So, where are the Dogs in this process? Since things turned out so spectacularly bad for us in the last two elections using our human brains (or to be more accurate, using the Supreme Court’s brain in 2000 and about 51% of the population’s brain in 2004), isn’t it time we tried something different?

The time has come for Americans to listen to their Dogs! Early primary voters, take your dogs out to the presidential pep rallies! Watch their reactions. Do they growl? Bark? Hump the candidate’s leg? Wag their tail? There is a message there, America! Pay Attention!

Dog thinks we should follow our nose in choosing our next president. Since Dog has not had the opportunity to personally sniff any of the candidates (with the exception of the time aboard the UFO with Kucinich, but Dog is saving that experience for his memoir) he must base his opinions from watching the debates with me (oh, he wanted to switch the channel to Animal Planet, but I insisted that we be informed citizens!) and the investigative info we have dug up, and Oh My! What we have found would curl your tail!

Today, we will address the Republicans. In all fairness, I must admit that Dog normally leans left, but he is willing to have an open mind (and an open mouth if there are treats involved.)

Mike Huckabee

Let’s begin with the newly coronated king of the Republican party—the darling of the right wing—Mike Huckabee. Dog was all ready to give him a tail wag—the homesy charisma (he’s funny!) and, of course, Dog is a big believer in God, although Dog is a little wary about how the Republicans tend to interpret her will. Still, Huckabee seemed like the kind of a guy who would be willing to play slipper tug-of-war in the Oval Office.

You can imagine Dog’s shock and horror when he learned that Huckabee’s son, David, tortured and hung a stray dog at a Boy Scout Camp! He confessed! And was fired from the camp! (for violating the Scout credo to be "kind” which seems to Dog a little more than an understatement.)

And then, Governor Huckabee intervened to prevent the state police from investigating further!

This is wrong, wrong, wrong in so many ways. Dog knows that parents are not to blame for all of their children’s mistakes, but come on—His Son Hung a Stray Dog! This is a way higher on the evil quotient than skipping school or smoking pot, which would probably freak out the Huckabee supporters. Dog asks you, “Can you imagine your child torturing and killing an innocent dog?”

We hope not. And, if you can, we hope that you are investing your time and money in intensive family counseling, not running for president of our great country.

Please do not vote for anyone who would raise a child who would kill an innocent dog.


Rudy Giuliani

As far as Dog is concerned, Rudy Giuliani is about on par with Huckabee, although he didn’t spawn evil, he just married it.

His third wife, Judy, worked for a surgical company that demonstrated their products on live dogs that either died in the demonstration or were killed later. Let’s be clear—this wasn’t research, which would be bad enough. This murdering of innocent dogs was done entirely as a sales pitch! Confetti, fireworks, free drinks, killing dogs! Whatever it takes to close that sale!

Please do not vote for someone who would marry someone who would kill dogs for profit!


Mitt Romney

It’s hard to believe that there could be yet another Republican who would incite Dog’s fury, but, yes, it is true.

Mitt Romney, the movie-star handsome, Mormon, ultra-family-oriented guy first aroused Dog’s suspicion when he began to waffle about really important issues. He heard a rumor that when Romney was running for governor of the liberal, dog-loving state of Massachusetts Romney was all for long walks and chicken treats.

But when Romney had to kowtow to the right wing of the Republican party, he did a 180 on treats and dog walks. Dog doesn’t buy this change of heart. Walks and chicken treats are core values! You don’t change your core values because of poll numbers!

Plus, once, Mitt Romney strapped his family’s Irish Setter into a crate onto the top of their station wagon for a 12-hour driver from Boston to Ontario, Canada.

Please think long and hard before you vote for someone who seems to change his mind about key issues involving ethics, morals and beliefs depending on what he believes people want to hear instead of what he truly believes. Also, someone who would make their family dog travel in a crate ontop of a car for 12 hours!

For all the Republican frontrunners-- Huckabee, Guiliani, Romney, Dog growls!

The only Republican that Dog could possibly endorse is John McCain. Dog doesn’t agree with his stance on the war, but Dog respects his opinion as the only major candidate to have served in a war, and the only candidate at all who could possibly understand “suffering.” Dog respects McCain’s heroism under suffering, even though the concept is completely foreign to Dog, who was freed from his crate at the tender age of 10 weeks when we adopted him. Also, McCain has 27 pets (more or less, counting the 13 fish), including two dogs.

Tomorrow, Dog sniffs the Democrats.